So it has been more than a month since the last blog post! Whoops, where has the time gone? I must admit, I have found things a bit of a blur since July. Now here we are with November on our doorstep.
I have had a bit of a marathon of courses since the beginning of July and am still catching up. I think that's the way with time, when we are busy the time flies by, it seems to speed up. When we are noticing each moment, time seems to slow down, and become fuller, more rich. I want to be able to slow down and cherish each moment over the next month, as I move towards the arrival of my baby.
It has been quite an emotional week, coinciding with higher (than I would like) stress levels, a turn in the weather, becoming run down and as a result catching a horrible cold. The stress levels needn't be high, but being 8 months pregnant, running 4 back to back teacher trainings, juggling childcare, with a partner who was in final rehearsals for Carmen at the Royal Opera House, it all got too much. I am still exhausted from it. This cold is firmly planting me to the spot, sore throat, sore eyes, headache and runny nose. All the good stuff!
This is where my body is telling me once again to give it a rest. Literally. Do you ever get yourself in a situation where you feel its impossible to rest because there is too much to be done, but you can't get anything done because you actually just need to rest? Then your rest it restless, broken sleep, low level anxiety, constantly checking emails and messenger to see if you have missed anything. I have been feeling overwhelmed by the number of tasks a head of me. My sister wisely reminded me that I need my strength for labour, and need to save it now. Unfortunately I always have this feeling that I haven't done enough. My good friend from Laban works in the Education Department there now and runs all the youth programmes amongst other things. Her boss has a mantra which is that things need to be "good enough". Clinical Psychologist Oliver James also said it in his book about parenting "How Not to F**k Them Up", that as parents we only have to be "good enough". I'd like to have a barometer at home on the wall which measures this ambiguous idea of "good enough".
Yoga teaches us to look inwards and bring focus to the experience of BEING, rather than the experience of DOING. My yoga teacher described Yoga as a pathway to accelerated evolution. Its times like these when I would like a further evolved version of my self to come and intercept my life for a bit and figure out the difficult bits. I'm definitely going through one of those times when I need a pause button. I remember feeling like this when I was pregnant with my daughter Wren. What happened was I began to retreat. Two weeks before Wren was born I stopped looking at emails, stopped looking at my phone, stopped using the internet. Instead I slept and read bits of my books about birth, and listened to my hypnobirthing CD, and talked to friends. Where is that CD now five and a half years later? Who knows!
So despite the insomnia, anxiety and tears, I feel blessed to have a very lovely, caring daughter (who tells me and her father daily that she loves us) and a loving partner who has never-ending patience with me , especially during my meltdowns and stressed days. And most of all I feel blessed to be carrying this new life, this child, who is the new centre of our little universe.
Next week I look forward to a midwife appointment, birthing & breastfeeding workshops at the hospital, hanging out with my daughter while she is on school half term, several trips to the theatre for some children's circus shows and hopefully (if we can make it) the first Acrobatic Symposium hosted by Mimbre Acrobats at the National Centre of Circus Arts!! Life is rich, life is good, life offers us challenges to show us what we are made of, and if we can continue to grow and learn with an open mind, then I believe we can find our own little moments of bliss and realise we can have a heaven on earth.
With that in mind, I have to accept this cold virus is an opportunity for me to rest and allow my body to recover and renew. I also need to notice that the stress is from a feeling of obigation, the idea that things HAVE TO get done, when perhaps instead this is a time for refection. By reflecting on what has passed, and just feeling how that feels, perhaps I can just BE in this moment.